Category Archives: The Finer Points

The little things that aren’t necessarily problems but could be. Nagging questions that need to be answered! If you have one of those questions ask and we’ll see if we can find an answer.

The Finer Points

Open Relationship, Do You Need One?

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Let’s first define an ethical open relationship. I will not debate here the differences between ethical versus unethical open relationships. In this article we are referring only to ethical open relationship. Ethical open relationships can be defined as relationships where the romantic partners mutually agree to be non-exclusive. Agreements can include additional sexual partners only or additional emotional, and romantic relationships. Some partners might agree to multiple sexual partners with no emotional attachments. Or, additional emotional partners without sexual activity. Others, might allow multiple romantic relationships with emotional and sexual commitments. Open relationships agreements can be as different and as varied as the individuals who author them.  

In a world where the predominant relationship structure is a one to one ratio. Why would anyone want to consider an open relationship? Being in one relationship with one person is tough enough sometimes. Why would you ever want to take on multiple partners? Even if it’s only for sex, think what that could stir up, jealousy, envy, trust issues, and all kinds of insecurities!

In most cultures today the typical relationship structure is monogamous. Two individuals meet, date, and decide to commit their romantic, emotional, and sexual selves to one another and only one another. This might be for a short time or might be for a lifetime but it is only with each other.

Can you, Will you, Fulfill My Needs?

In a perfect world, their commitment is perfect. No other will ever tempt either partner sexually, or romantically. They will always be able to fulfill all of each other’s needs. If it happens there is a relationship need their partner can’t fulfill then it should be sacrificed. Forgotten, for the good of the relationship and for the emotional wellbeing of the couple. But, that’s not how life works, is it?

Life isn’t perfect and neither are we. Our love isn’t perfect and neither is our commitment. Only one individual walked this Earth whose love and commitment were perfect. We all have needs individual to who we are. Some are minor and if unattainable easily set aside. Others, pull at us relentless and cannot be denied. For some, at least a few of those undeniable needs are relationship needs which cannot be satisfied in a closed monogamous relationship.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying we shouldn’t sacrifice for those we love. Sacrifice is part of every relationship. But, at times we have needs that must be fulfilled. Sometimes our partners can’t or won’t fulfill those needs. If those happen to be sexual or romantic in nature then monogamy falls short. When this happens you only have a few choices. You can, for your partner make the sacrifice and fulfill the need. Or, you might walk away from the relationship because you don’t know who this person is anymore. Then again, you could support your partner allowing, even assisting them to find a means by which to fulfill their need outside of the relationship. So what do you do?

So what are some of these needs?


Non-monogamy:

Let’s start with individuals who don’t feel monogamy is the right fit for them. Monogamy dictates that one person only has enough love for one other person. In the monogamous ideology loving two people would divide your love. Each partner would only get half of what you have to offer. But, there other ideologies, where love has no bounds, it multiplies rather than divides. Love is believed infinite and the act of loving creates more love. Monogamy leaves individuals for whom love is boundless feeling restricted, limited, and unfulfilled. For these individuals, it’s natural to maintain more than one committed romantic relationship.


Bisexuality:

Then there are those who are bisexual. Bisexual individuals find themselves attracted to more than one gender. They can experience unique emotional, physical, and romantic attractions for alternative gender orientations. Sometimes these individuals find themselves attracted differently to different orientations. They may feel emotional attraction to one gender but only sexual attraction to another. When this happens only an open/non-monogamous relationship can answer their needs.


Mismatched Sex Drives:

Next there are those with mismatched sex drives. Situations, where one partner’s need for sexual gratification is much greater than another’s. There can be any number of reasons for differing sex drives between partners. Relationship issues are a common cause but so are age differences, health issues, and sexual orientation. Whatever the reason, mismatched sex drives can result in a significant amount of stress within the relationship. Therefore sometimes partners agree to seek additional sexual activity outside of the defined relationship. This alleviates both one partner’s need for sex and the burden the other might feel due to their inability to fulfill that need.


Kink:

There are some individuals who need to express themselves through more of a submissive or dominant role. If their partner is unable to fill the required counter role some couples choose to find others outside their relationship who can. This can be a strict dom/sub BDSM relationship but may also include sexual activities as well.


Unsatisfying Sex Life:

The couple who finds their sex life unsatisfying might also choose to open their relationship. Dissatisfaction might be due to inexperience, health, morals, or personal taste issues. Their partner might not be willing to perform certain sexual acts. Opening up the relationship opens the couple to new experiences. New sexual or romantic experiences allows the couple to discover new ways of satisfying one another. It may too dispel long-ingrained cultural myths about sex and relationships. Thus, liberating the couple to see themselves and their relationship from an entirely new perspective.

Other reasons to open a relationship, not directly related to unfulfilled needs.


Excitement:

Some couples open their relationship just for the pure pleasure and excitement it can offer. Watching others have sex or having others watch them can greatly increase their arousal. Others find their excitement heightened by swapping partners or by adding additional partners to their sex play. For many, having sex outside their relationship, then relating their experiences in explicit detail to their partners later can fuel incredibly passionate sex. Those in the swinging lifestyle call this reconnecting. Where the couple reaffirms their own connection and relationship while acknowledging their pleasure from their erotic experiences.


Sex Positivity:

And then, there are those due to their sex-positive attitude who have had a non-exclusive partnerships from their beginning. Sex for these folks is not something to be hidden or to be ashamed of but something enjoyed and experienced. They believe education and acceptance of our sexual nature is the road to emotional and psychological maturity.

Warning: Open relationships can be wonderfully fulfilling!

So, I’ve discussed several reasons why someone might consider an open relationship. Open relationships can be wonderful but unchecked can also destroy the primary relationship. An open relationship is not a cure for issues in any relationship. As a matter of fact, entering into an open relationship will exacerbate any issues a couple already has. You will experience insecurity, jealousy, distrust, and envy in an open relationship, everyone does sooner or later. Be sure you can cope with these emotions when they rear their ugly heads. You should always enter into an open relationship only under a mutual agreement. You should set boundaries and check in regularly to ensure they aren’t crossed and are still pertinent. It will surprise you how quickly boundaries can become obsolete.

Open relationships can be very fulfilling but require honest and continuous communication. Done consciously and carefully they can add a unique perspective of how we love and relate to others.

The Finer Points

Autonomy – a Privilege, Not An Excuse

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Autonomy, what is it?

Autonomy, I hear that term used often in the non-monogamous world. It seems it’s a term individuals sometimes use to hide behind when they are trying to justify their actions. “I have to leave you to be my true self. I need my autonomy.” Let’s talk about autonomy for a minute.

Autonomy comes from the Greek, auto, meaning self and nomos, meaning law. Therefore, autonomy is self-law or self-governance.

Autonomy then is deciding what action to take when without coercion under one’s own accord. Living one’s life freely on one’s own terms. Studies show that we as humans feel better, experience greater happiness and will perform better if we can act on our own terms and under our own volition. We value our own autonomy so much so that throughout time men have fought and died for the right to decide how they will live their lives.

Don’t Confuse Autonomy With Independence

Don’t confuse independence with autonomy. Independence is the act of living our lives without outside support or guidance. Autonomy on the other hand is making the personal decision about how one will live their life. One can be autonomous yet dependent. It’s that one has made a clear uninfluenced decision to be dependent.

So we’ve now seen how autonomy is a natural desire of the human condition. Philosophically, it’s the free choice to make an informed, un-coerced moral decision because it’s the right thing to do. We need to remember though Newton’s third law of motion. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction! Every decision made has a consequence and autonomy isn’t an excuse to avoid those consequences.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Consider the COVID-19 situation that has our world in its grips as I write this. Maybe you aren’t in one of the risk groups so rather than following the shelter at home recommendations you go out for a drink or you take the kids to the park. It’s your “RIGHT” to decide whether to go out into public. After all, there’s very little risk that the virus will do any real harm to you or the kids. You have a right to maintain your autonomy. So you go and have a great time with others who think as you do. A few days later you run into Mom at the grocery store and have a nice chat. Of course Mom doesn’t think and hugs you or one of the kids before going on to finish her grocery shopping. One week later Mom comes down sick. She’s caught the coronavirus, two weeks later Mom’s on a ventilator fighting for her life. Now, you might argue there’s no proof she caught the virus from you or her grandchild but is the possibility that she did worth your autonomy?

Autonomy is a gift, one many have died to protect throughout history. It is a privilege to be used wisely and with great care. It’s not a term thrown around to justify rash whims that evolved within the libido rather than a conscientious mind. Autonomy is not a shield to hide behind so one doesn’t have to accept the responsibility for their actions. It is the right to live your life as you see fit but one still has to take responsibility for the impact of that life on the people and world around them!