communication Archives - Open In A Closed World

Cheating

Why this blog on open relationships? Well let me tell you a little about how I ended up in an open relationship. Throughout my early adulthood I was monogamous. I didn’t know there was any other way. Like all my peers I was looking for that “one” special person.

I dated many girls at that time and got very serious with a few. Everyone cheated on me, they did that horrible, terrible thing. They started having sex with someone else while professing their fidelity to me. I heard that denial so many times. “You’re imagining things, you’re just jealous!” Well, I try to be a fair person and don’t believe in accusing someone unless I have absolute proof. I’d wait until I caught them in the very act and then I’d hear “I’ll never do it again!” Foolishly, I’d take them at their word and forgive, until I caught them again. It happened to me so many times.

Finally after a grueling divorce in which she took me to the cleaners I said “Screw it!” I had worked two jobs to buy her and her children (not my children by the way) a home. After working those two jobs all day I came home and spent all my free time with my family. I was what I believed the perfect husband and father should be. I was the proverbial family man. Until, I came home early one night and found her coming out of our bedroom with another man pulling on her clothes. I calmly walked by them retrieved my rifle from the corner by the bed. I heard his car tearing ass out of my driveway as I slammed the bolt closed on a shell.

Changed

Needless to say that marriage was over and I was changed forever. I had decided somewhere deep in my heart that I would never go through that again. If that was the way the world was then I would be too. The next woman I met I had no intention of ever being faithful to. She was good enough until something better came along and I looked a lot! We married, she never knew I was bedding any women that I could. I didn’t rub it in her face but I didn’t really hide it either. She was so trusting that she didn’t want to see it. Oh, years later she caught me a couple of times. I even stopped for several years but there was always an excuse to start again.

Finally I realized I cared for her, loved her, and she didn’t deserve what I was doing. She deserved better. I offered her a divorce. She could have everything, the house, car, dogs, kids, and my pension. I wanted her to find happiness. She turned me down! I told her I wasn’t going to stop having girlfriends. I’d never make that promise again. I found I felt safe in non-monogamy, liked it even. I didn’t offer fidelity nor did I expect it. She told me that was fine but if that was how it was going to be she wanted something out of it too. I asked her what. She said, “Go back to swinging!” I asked, “Back?”

It would seem that before me she had participated in the swinging lifestyle. It hadn’t been a good experience for her. She wanted to try it again with someone she felt safe and secure with, someone she trusted to protect her. I agreed, of course. So we opened our marriage.

Opening Up

The problem that remains to this day is that while sex with other people isn’t a problem, emotional attachments are. You see my wife is monogamish while I realized I was polyamorous. My wife harbors only an emotional attachment for me. The occasional sexual liaison does not upset her. She even enjoys them.

I prefer having an emotional connection, even a simple friendship before having sex. I enjoy the emotional ties I can experience with others, that intimacy, and love. Yet, my ability to experience an emotional attachment with more than one individual disturbs my wife to no end. We have had argument after argument, late-night discussion after discussion about the topic.

Learning To Communicate

We found that often what one was saying was being interpreted by the other as something very different. Discussions were also taking place at the worst times when we were hungry, angry, tired. We found that we couldn’t always fix the issue, sometimes we had to agree to disagree. We learned after much struggle and a lot of research, how to communicate, how to listen, and when the best times to discuss our issues were. Then we finally started to come to terms with our differences.

Eight years later we still have our issues. We aren’t your poster children for ethical non-monogamy but we don’t argue or shout anymore. Her and I sit down and actually hold a conversation. We talk, negotiate, and compromise. I’ve rebuilt a considerable amount of trust with her though I’m not sure if I’ll ever regain it totally. My wif,e and I still swing, together and separate. I also have a long-distance relationship which has grown very serious over the 2 years we’ve been together. My wife and I go to Poly Conventions. We attend a local meetup group in which we often discuss our journey into ethical non-monogamy. We even have our own small group that meets monthly. We’ve become teachers because we see many going through the same struggles that we have

Why this blog, I want to discuss what ethical non-monogamy is in its many forms. I want to offer, if not answers, then information on where to find answers. I want to discuss the relationship issues we experience in our lifestyle. I’d like this to be a resource for jumping over the many hurdles that always seem to be in our way, as we try to live and love openly in a closed world.

Different Choices

Relationships are varied and diverse, existing in every aspect of our lives. They take on many forms. Friendships, which for some may take on convenient sexual dynamics. Then there are professional and work affiliations. Some of these being so close, I’ve heard them called (hopefully jokingly) our work husbands or wives. After all, we often spend as much time or more with them than with our real husbands or wives! There are family relationships and of course acquaintances.

This article though is about the big ones; the LOVE relationships. Those loving and physical partnerships. Oh, how they smolder, flare, and burn, forever branding our hearts and souls! These are the ones that distract and consume, driving us mad with desire. There are so many different dynamics to choose from too. There’s monogamy, characterized by only two partners. There’s Polygamy, with multiple wives and Polyandry, with multiple husbands. Polyamory, with multiple-partners of either gender depending on one’s orientation. Polyamory can include triads, quads, or more clustered into polycules. All these relationships identify as honest, consensual, and loving but none are without their occasional problems.

Insecurities

Most of us are looking for one or more of these great relationships. Once we find what we want it’s as hard as a handful of jello to hold on to. Why is something we want so badly so hard to hold on to? I’ve found several reasons that contribute to our hearts going down in flames. The first being all those little insecurities. Relationships can wakeup up all those brain weasels making you start to wonder and second guess yourself. You see your partner watching that cute ass walk through the mall and it gets you thinking. Are they looking for someone better than me? Do they want someone more attractive, someone better in bed or who has more money? That then stirs up the trust issues, the suspicions of being lied to. You begin to wonder if your partner is hiding something, maybe they weren’t at the office like they said they were!

Needs, Wants, Expectations

What we expect to get out of our relationships and how we expect our partners to meet our needs can be another dangerous ravine that we have to cross. We all are individuals and as such we each have our own needs, wants and expectations. Sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference between the three. Needs being what you have to have for a healthy life and relationship. Wants are those desires that though we don’t need them we would like to obtain. So it follows that expectations are then the preconceived hopes and beliefs of future actions or happenings. Any of the three going unfulfilled can be a major source of relationship issues. Expectations though are frequently the ones that we fail to discuss with our partners before an issue arises. When our partners fail to meet our expectations, known or unknown we find ourselves disappointed and usually resentful.

Managing Expectations

Realize that it is almost impossible for someone to live up to expectations that they don’t know to exist. Understand too, that even if your partner knows an expectation exists it doesn’t mean they will want to fulfill it.

There are realistic and unrealistic expectations and knowing the difference will save a lot of drama. Realistic expectations are those discussed and agreed to at a prior time. Repeated actions or events that were previously agreed to and followed through with can be relied on to happen again. An example is asking someone to be home before midnight. If this had occurred six times before one should be able to expect it to happen again unless an exception had been agreed to.

Expecting someone to meet an expectation they aren’t aware of is unrealistic.

Thinking someone is going to perform an action that is beneficial to you but not to them is nieve and also unrealistic.

We all have expectations whether we want to admit it or not. Some say not having any expectations is the path to successful relationships. My opinion is we’re human, we are going to have expectations. They may come from our parents as we grew up, our friends, or from what we see in the media. The solution is to manage those expectations, identifying which are realistic or unrealistic. Then communicate what we expect to our partner(s). Be prepared though, your partner(s) might have different ideas on how to fulfill your expectations. Be willing to negotiate.

Taking Your Partner For Granted and Cheating

Sometimes people can get so caught up in life or in themselves. It becomes easy to take their partners for granted. They stop appreciating the special things that their partners do for them. They stop doing those little things that show how much they care.

Our lives get too busy to care about that text that’s sent in the middle of the day. That brief message letting someone know we’re thinking of them. We forget to wakeup that special someone, a cup of coffee in hand on Sunday morning like we once did.

Once we start taking our partners for granted. It’s a hop, skip, and jump to neglecting their emotional, physical, and romantic needs. You become roommates or worse yet buddies, distant from one another. When this happens relationships start to fizzle out. They aren’t fulfilling anymore.

Instead of sitting down and discussing the issues we keep them to ourselves while letting the resentment and neglect grow. We worry that telling our partner how we feel could mean hurting them or starting an argument. They might even decide to walk away. It might mean we’d have to admit that we are as guilty for the situation as they are. So instead, it’s time for the “contingency plan.” Let’s see what other options we have.

In my experience cheating has become all too common and even excepted in our society. This is true even in open ethical relationships. It’s “okay” to get a little on the side especially if your partner doesn’t do it for you anymore or you are being neglected. Why face your problems when you can distract yourself from them? It’s so much easier to find someone new than actually talking with your partner about your issues. The grass is always greener in someone else’s yard.

Let’s Talk

So what do you do? Well, first you need to talk. It’s what I call having hard conversations. Everything needs to come out into the open, all the cards need to lay on the table. Communication is the number one tool for resolving issues. If you’re not willing to talk about it then you’re not willing to work it out! It’s hard to bring up a topic that you know is going to hurt your partner or worse yet cause a fight but it needs to be done.

How Do We Discuss This

Approach it in a non-accusatory manner. Don’t present it as “you did this” but as “I’m feeling like” and “would you help me work through it” This can be hard to do especially if you’re feeling hurt or angry.

As you talk about the issues stop and check in every once in a while. Often your partner will hear something different from what you thought you said. A simple “this is what I hear you saying,” can do wonders for a serious discussion.

If you find getting a turn to speak or finishing without interruption is difficult. A 5 or 10-minute strategy might help. This is where you and your partner each get 5 or 10 minutes to talk without interruption. When one partner reaches the end of their allotted time the other proceeds with their turn.

The goal is to completely understand what the issue is and then find a resolution. Remember too that you don’t always have to resolve everything the first time you sit down. Sometimes you won’t find an answer right away. There’s no shame in agreeing to disagree.

Remember negotiating is common in all relationships. Partners compromise and sacrifice for their relationship all the time. Nothing is set in stone, anyone at a later date can revisit and renegotiate a decision. It’s easy to throw a relationship away. Working things out with compassion and consideration, that’s the hard part but it can be the most rewarding too.

Open In A Closed World

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Why A Blog On Open Relationships?