Cheating

Why this blog on open relationships? Well let me tell you a little about how I ended up in an open relationship. Throughout my early adulthood I was monogamous. I didn’t know there was any other way. Like all my peers I was looking for that “one” special person.

I dated many girls at that time and got very serious with a few. Everyone cheated on me, they did that horrible, terrible thing. They started having sex with someone else while professing their fidelity to me. I heard that denial so many times. “You’re imagining things, you’re just jealous!” Well, I try to be a fair person and don’t believe in accusing someone unless I have absolute proof. I’d wait until I caught them in the very act and then I’d hear “I’ll never do it again!” Foolishly, I’d take them at their word and forgive, until I caught them again. It happened to me so many times.

Finally after a grueling divorce in which she took me to the cleaners I said “Screw it!” I had worked two jobs to buy her and her children (not my children by the way) a home. After working those two jobs all day I came home and spent all my free time with my family. I was what I believed the perfect husband and father should be. I was the proverbial family man. Until, I came home early one night and found her coming out of our bedroom with another man pulling on her clothes. I calmly walked by them retrieved my rifle from the corner by the bed. I heard his car tearing ass out of my driveway as I slammed the bolt closed on a shell.

Changed

Needless to say that marriage was over and I was changed forever. I had decided somewhere deep in my heart that I would never go through that again. If that was the way the world was then I would be too. The next woman I met I had no intention of ever being faithful to. She was good enough until something better came along and I looked a lot! We married, she never knew I was bedding any women that I could. I didn’t rub it in her face but I didn’t really hide it either. She was so trusting that she didn’t want to see it. Oh, years later she caught me a couple of times. I even stopped for several years but there was always an excuse to start again.

Finally I realized I cared for her, loved her, and she didn’t deserve what I was doing. She deserved better. I offered her a divorce. She could have everything, the house, car, dogs, kids, and my pension. I wanted her to find happiness. She turned me down! I told her I wasn’t going to stop having girlfriends. I’d never make that promise again. I found I felt safe in non-monogamy, liked it even. I didn’t offer fidelity nor did I expect it. She told me that was fine but if that was how it was going to be she wanted something out of it too. I asked her what. She said, “Go back to swinging!” I asked, “Back?”

It would seem that before me she had participated in the swinging lifestyle. It hadn’t been a good experience for her. She wanted to try it again with someone she felt safe and secure with, someone she trusted to protect her. I agreed, of course. So we opened our marriage.

Opening Up

The problem that remains to this day is that while sex with other people isn’t a problem, emotional attachments are. You see my wife is monogamish while I realized I was polyamorous. My wife harbors only an emotional attachment for me. The occasional sexual liaison does not upset her. She even enjoys them.

I prefer having an emotional connection, even a simple friendship before having sex. I enjoy the emotional ties I can experience with others, that intimacy, and love. Yet, my ability to experience an emotional attachment with more than one individual disturbs my wife to no end. We have had argument after argument, late-night discussion after discussion about the topic.

Learning To Communicate

We found that often what one was saying was being interpreted by the other as something very different. Discussions were also taking place at the worst times when we were hungry, angry, tired. We found that we couldn’t always fix the issue, sometimes we had to agree to disagree. We learned after much struggle and a lot of research, how to communicate, how to listen, and when the best times to discuss our issues were. Then we finally started to come to terms with our differences.

Eight years later we still have our issues. We aren’t your poster children for ethical non-monogamy but we don’t argue or shout anymore. Her and I sit down and actually hold a conversation. We talk, negotiate, and compromise. I’ve rebuilt a considerable amount of trust with her though I’m not sure if I’ll ever regain it totally. My wif,e and I still swing, together and separate. I also have a long-distance relationship which has grown very serious over the 2 years we’ve been together. My wife and I go to Poly Conventions. We attend a local meetup group in which we often discuss our journey into ethical non-monogamy. We even have our own small group that meets monthly. We’ve become teachers because we see many going through the same struggles that we have

Why this blog, I want to discuss what ethical non-monogamy is in its many forms. I want to offer, if not answers, then information on where to find answers. I want to discuss the relationship issues we experience in our lifestyle. I’d like this to be a resource for jumping over the many hurdles that always seem to be in our way, as we try to live and love openly in a closed world.